Tough day
Today I feel like I hit an all-time low…..it’s funny because yesterday was an awesome day full of God’s presence and peace, and I felt so good….I should have realized that a day like that would tick Satan off. I guess I should have been on guard ready for his attack. But..I wasn’t and I feel like he definitely hit me down today. We were supposed to find out about our infamous doctor’s appointment today…well actually we were supposed to find out days ago but that’s another story in itself. Anyway I feel like we continue to hit dead ends at every corner. It is extremely frustrating. I was on the phone over an hour today but I still don’t feel like I got anywhere. There was a bit of brief hope for me when I spoke with my neurosurgeon from Greenville and he said that he would refer me to Wake Forest. In fact there’s a doctor there that so many people have recommended to us and after my neurosurgeon mentioned his name to me today I thought that this was maybe a sign of direction for us. I was feeling pretty good until Eddie told me that Wake Forest is not in our insurance network. I cried a lot after he told me that…the frustration, the anxiousness, the uncertainity, the scaredness seems to be all coming out at once. I feel very beaten and bruised….very angry at God today…maybe frustrated is a better word. I know He loves me…I know He cares about me….I know He has a plan for me….but even knowing all these things I still find myself very frustrated. I just don’t understand what He’s doing and why we have to go through all this waiting. The other thing that is on hold is our adoption of our little boy. The adoption agency is waiting for me to get medically sound before they can proceed with next steps…….that’s another huge frustation. Our hands are tied in this…it all seems to be completely out of our control. I think God has us right where He wants us in this….I know He’s working in this I just can’t see Him or the evidence of it at the moment. I think He’s teaching us to trust Him 100% and I guess I’m just not there yet. My life verse has always been Prov 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thy own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy paths.” Can I just say that doing what this verse says is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life?!? I’m sure it will turn out to be the most rewarding as well, but in this dark moment it just seems impossible.
Ok….well that was my day today….please, please, please pray that Satan will be defeated. He is fighting so incredibly hard…..
Love you all….hope we’ll have better news in the days to come.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Hey girl- I can’t imagine how long some of your days must be, but what a testimony you have. Just know that you have a circle of friends and family that continue to pray for you. We love you!
April 28th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I am praying for you… still! I love you girl.
~Sarah
April 28th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Words escape us. Know that are heart is with you and Eddie. We love you and are praying.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Oh, Martha Marie, I think I know what you are saying. I have felt like you so many times these last few years. It is like we have never REALLy had to trust before. The songs we sing have new meaning, even the verses that we hung onto in the past, have never meant so much as they do now. It is a bitter sweet time, of amazing growth, trust, peace, but oh, so challenging and hard. I will pray for you today, that you will be held in his arms, as you walk through this valley! That you will have amazing strength and peace. I also pray that you will have true clarity and direction in the decisions that you have to make. There is an old song that comes to mind that says that “God will make a way were there seems to be no way.” I know He will for you today. We are praying with you. Love, In Christ, LeAnn
April 29th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Martha Marie check with your insurance company, if they determine that the dr. at wake forest is the only one who can do the procedure that you need, your insurance may allow you to see him even though he’s “out of network” We’ve run into this on occasion at our office and some insurance companies will pay out of network physicians if their pyhsicians can’t perform the necessary procedures. It won’t hurt to check. Praying that you soon get the answers that you need. we love you and we’re praying for you.
Diane , Mike Kaity and Kristen
April 29th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Just a note to let you know that your cousins are praying for you. You know there are many things we never understand in God’s plan. Faith is such a small word with such a large and sometimes difficult meaning. Your faith makes mind look so small. I can tell you are a very strong person and I believe God has a wonderful plan for you. God Bless
Suzie
April 29th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Martha Marie,
I can’t say that I have been in your shoe as far as my own health and do not know how I would react. But I do know the dark days and the days you feel as if you are alone in this world and even you think God is not there. But NOW, I can say that he was there all the time, why what happens in our lives I don’t know but I do know that he was there and held me when I cried and thought I could not go own anymore. What came out of all of my dark days was that I do know 100% that GOD loves me and has my best interest at heart and he knows what my future holds, plus that he has something great in my furture, because I do trust him for it. Something I could not have said even three months ago. Just like with Sala Face you would hurt for her if it was her in your situation if she were an adult but could not help her. God is doing the same thing for you, he hurts for you, loves you without any reservations, but he also knows that we do not come to trust him total for our lifes without pain and tragedy, we always grow when this happens, or go the other direction, but in knowing you, I not you are growing and it is going to be awesome to see the outcome. One thing is he has something great for you and eddie through all of this, he is preparing you. He is asking you to just trust. One thing is remember it is fixable, that in itself is one miracle. Two he has supplied the doctors for you. Wake Forest may not be where he wants you to be, because you maybe the one he uses in all of this to touch someone else that by your sweet spirit and faith will be used to bring someone else to him. I do know the dark days, but I am not the person you knew or saw last. From all of this God is my lord and will always come first, even before my children. That in itself was very hard to take. So when you cry it’s ok because he knows you are hurting and afraid but he also is holding you through all of it. Girl, I love you and thank God for Eddie and you for helping us through the tough times. Just know I am praying and I know without a shadow of a doubt you are going to be fine, because if God can create the earth in 6 days, this is so minor girl. He wants to heal you, I know that.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Ps. Sorry I am so long on everything but I write what is on my heart. As I was reading LeAnn’s comment, two things that I have that are wrinkled from much use. One is a song called
Trust his heart: It goes like this:
All things work for our good though we don’t see how they could. Struggles that break our hearts in two sometimes blinded to the truth. Our father knows what is best for us, his ways are not our own. So when your pathway grows dim, and you don’t see him,. remember your never alone.
Chorus) God is to wise to be mistaken,
God is to good to be unkind,
So when you don’t understand,
When you don’t see his plans,
When you can’t trace his hand,
Just trust his heart.
2nd Verse) He sees the master plan and he holds our future in his hand, so don’t live as those who have no hope, for our hope is found in him. We see the present clearly but he sees the first and last and like a tapestry, he’s weaving you and me to someday be just like him.
Martha Marie, I believe that with all my heart. I read and re-read and prayed this in my prayers. Plus one verse that always has helped me is . Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD. I will strenghten you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
In years to come, you will be able to look back with Sala Face and that little boy, when they are having trials in their lives and say look at the miracle before you and know GOD IS GOD and he loves you more than even I as your MOM does.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Martha Marie,
Where are the words to comfort a friend in need? I found this verse in Isaiah 58:11, “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” I am still reminded by my mother’s words that when we are going through a tough trial, just hold on because God is about to do something wonderful. I still believe your wonderful something is coming. Though it may seem dark now, joy comes in the morning. Only God knows what He is doing through this. I pray, my friend, that all will be revealed soon. The little trials we are going through are so small & insignificant compared to what you & Eddie are facing. Your enduring faith is such an inspiration to so many. We continue to lift you up daily in prayer. Be strong & courageous…God is working!
Much love,
Dana & Jim
April 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
still praying.
the only weapon satan has against you is deceit. your shield (of faith) is your defense…and yours is strong. when you feel like despairing, try to rest…even sleep…trying to muster up enough strength of your own to resist him is fatiguing even in itself…but faith in an indescribable God is your protection from his lies and discouragement. from your verses…”acknowledge Him”…the battle is His. (He is Jehovah-Nissi, the Lord our Banner…He goes before us in battle.)
i read your friend’s blog about the insurance. don’t know why…but my spirit is saying…yeah, check into this. when i read your blog, a question came to mind that maybe you could get around that somehow.
we love you guys sooooo much. you’re struggle…and your expressed faith…though it is under fire…is still so inspirational. i am also inspired by the body of Christ and their support for you. (i think God looks on the whole Christian blog scene with a smile…i am inspired and encouraged by Christ-followers whom i have and may never meet ’til heaven. that’s so cool!)
continuing to lift you up in prayer…steph