Eddie and Martha Marie Smith

I’ve had the opportunity to spend this week at the beach, and it has been wonderful!  I agree with the doctor…it makes recovery so much better when you get to spend it at a place like the beach

My incision is looking so much better……and I’m getting more energy every day!  I’m still not 100% and it will probably take a few months before I’m there, but I can tell a HUGE difference between a couple of weeks ago and now! 

God is the Ultimate Healer and I’m so thankful for the work that He’s done in my life.  I had the opportunity to celebrate Selah’s 2 year old birthday with our family in NC…I had the opportunity to watch our kids experience the beach for the first time….I had the opportunity to see the ocean today and celebrate God’s amazing power that He could create something so wonderful…..if God was not the Ultimate Healer I would not have had those opportunities!  Wow..I am blessed….my God is good…ALL THE TIME!

I pray that I will always be thankful for the little things in my life as well as the big.  The next time you see an amazing sunset, or somebody sends you an encouraging card, or you get a hug or kiss from someone you love, or even waking up to enjoy a new day…consider yourself blessed……thank you Jesus for being so good and for blessing us even when we are completely undeserving of it!

It has been an eventful last few days.  Our little boy who had a fever is all better now, and today our little girl caught it.  Never a dull moment in our family :) 

I’ve done a lot of thinking about spiritual warfare lately.  I’m so tired of Satan seeming to get the upper hand so many times and I’ve been asking myself what can I do about it if anything?  I felt God really spoke to me about this….and it definitely humbled me.  The question that I felt He brought to my mind is how much do we as a family pray?  How much do we pray for the protection of our family….emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally?  How important do we view the power of prayer? 

Well, honestly I have to admit that by our actions it doesn’t seem we view it as very important from the lack of time we spend praying.   I have always been very verbal about how I feel about prayer….my mom is a prayer warrior and talk about an awesome example she set for me, but how well have I followed it?  Yes, I pray a lot throughout the day on my own as God brings different things to my mind, but as far as Eddie and I as a couple….well maybe a total of five minutes…maybe.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit this…..it’s great that Eddie and I pray individually, but we have to remember that God said in His word “where two or three are gathered together in His name there will He be also.”   So…prayer is getting ready to take a whole new meaning in our family.  Before when Eddie wanted us to start a time of prayer in our family I willing agreed, but when it was time to do it I would tell him that we could do it after a certain tv show went off or after I called someone back on the phone.  Consequently it never happened most of the time.  It’s hard to admit that but it’s true.  Prayer takes such energy and time that sometimes it’s definitely not the easiest thing to do, but it is or should be PRIORITY!!!  Why, why, why are these things so difficult for me to accept or do???

Ok, so from this point on we WILL have family prayer in our home….and it will be more then puncuation to our day…..it will be priority and nothing…tv, phone, guests in the home..will be more important.  If Eddie and I believe in prayer and its incredible power then why in the world are we not putting it into action in our family????  Do we not realize how much is at stake?!??

So…Lord, please help us to make prayer the number one priority in our home and family!!  I truly belive You are going to begin to do incredible things in and through us if we show You in word and action that You come first in our lives in EVERY aspect!!!  Forgive us for taking so long to put this into action!  And thank you for continuing to work on us….and never losing patience! 

Can I just say that I’m getting to the point that I’m done???  I’m warning you….this post is a little different from usual.  Today’s been tough, and honestly I’m just kind of ill at God because I’m not understanding what He keeps doing.  On the other side of it though I feel bad at being upset at God after He miraculously has brought me through brain surgery and so much else!

One of our kids is running a very high temperature…it started yesterday afternoon and has continued on through out today.  You can tell that he feels pretty bad….poor guy.  The doctor told us that after checking everything else it looks like it is just something viral and will have to run its course.  He also said that we need to cancel our plans for the next few days.  I expected that but here’s my big problem with this….tomorrow is mine and Eddie’s 5 year wedding anniversary.  We have plans made for the next several days and then myself and the kids will stay in NC next week while Eddie comes back to work.  I have been so looking forward to this for awhile now, because well…let’s just say I’m getting cabin fever in our house :)  Plus…I would love to be able to hang out with my family next week, but most importantly I would love to be able to celebrate five years with my husband.  Not only is one of our kids sick but it looks like my incision might be infected as well……we’re waiting to hear from the doctor on that today.

I just feel that Satan is continuing to attack us in so many ways…big and small…and it’s not let up in months!  I’m so ready for a little break!  Honestly just about every week there is something different that happens on top of us trying to handle recovery with me and childcare for the kids……

BUT…when I stop to really think about things I can see why Satan is fighting so hard.  First of all, adoption.  I know without a doubt that the last thing Satan wants is for us to adopt this little boy, but Eddie and I know without a doubt that that is truly God’s plan.  Second of all, Eddie and I are involved in a church where there is a core group of people that have a heart and passion to see people come to Christ, and as the Lord’s leading we are preparing to take big steps to see that happen….that’s what church is supposed to be about…meeting people, building relationships, and showing them Christ!  Why aren’t more churches making this a priority when that’s what church is all about?!??!  Third of all, God’s put something on my heart in such a huge way…..it’s been something that I’ve thought about for almost five years now, and in the last two months I feel that God is telling me this is the time for it to happen.  I can honestly say it’s not my dream…in fact, it pretty much terrifies me and excites me all at the same time.  I’ve told God though that I will do whatever He asks, and that always means stepping out of the comfort zone and embracing His dreams….so that’s what I’m going to do.   I guess there’s three big reasons why Satan is just having a field day with us right now.  I’m sure that many of you reading this right now could list tons of ways that Satan is fighting your own family so hard.  Wow….how great it is though when we think about how we serve the most powerful God in existence!  He’s The Resurrection and The Life…Alpha and Omega…..Messiah……The Beloved….The Almighty……I Am…..King of Kings and Lord of Lords…..Prince of Peace…….Immanuel….Redeemer……Protector…….The Way, The Truth, and The Life….Jesus Christ… 

I look at all that and wonder why am I even worried?  I serve Jesus Christ who gave His life for me……the only thing I should be focused on is how to get closer with Him.  He promises that everything else will fall into place if He is our first and primary focus.  Ok…so I’m sorry that you had to read all that just for me to figure out that everything is going to be ok, and God wins in the end!  We already have the victory….I guess it’s about time I start claiming it! 

Recovery is proving to be a definite test for me…..one day I will feel like I have some energy and feel pretty good most of the day, and then the next day I’ll be exhausted and spend 70% of the day in bed.  I know that’s a normal thing and what I should expect, but I have such a hard time, because I want to be better NOW!!  I think my patience needs a little work…what do you think?

The hardest part is not being able to take care of my kids that much….Selah still doesn’t understand why I can’t pick her up when she says “want to hold you Mommy.”  That’s her way of saying to pick her up.  

We’ve also had people in our home since before the surgery….there has to be someone here at all times.  We are so thankful for the family members and friends that have sacrificed their time and energy to take care of us…..wow, people truly have gone out of their way for us.  What a gift they have all been to us!  I must say though that I’m ready for me and me only to be able to take care of my family….does that sound as bad as I think it does?  I think I’m just ready for normal again….whatever our new “normal” may look like.  It’s exciting to think about what God has in store….I think Eddie and I are both so much more open to what’s ahead…no matter what God asks us to do, I know we’ll do it.  Do you know how nice that is to say???  I don’t think we’ve been completely here before, but now that we are I’m excited…and a bit scared!  Who knows where we’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years, BUT wherever it is I know it’ll be God’s best.  WOW….I’m VERY excited!!!  Thank you Lord for teaching us so much in the past 2 years…..they have not been the easiest years….but Lord the fruit that we are beginning to see from them!  How amazing You are Jesus! 

One big prayer request I would ask is that you pray that the fever I had yesterday doesn’t come back again.  It was over a 100 last night, and at first we were told by a neurologist to go straight to the ER, but after explaining we think it’s just a little viral something that I picked up from a friend, they said just to keep a close watch on it.  I don’t think I’ve run a fever in over two years, but I guess after major surgery your immune system does a major nose dive.  Anyway please pray for complete health for our family….God is the Great Physician and can do anything, so I want to trust Him for no sickness whatsoever!!!!

Love all of you….thanks for your continued prayers! 

I’m sure many of you have already heard about the tragedy that happened in the Steven Curtis Chapman family.  Their youngest little adopted Chinese girl was killed just a few days ago when an SUV ran over her.  She had just celebrated her fifth birthday.  I’ve had a hard time with this one…..I can’t wrap my mind around it…..I can’t figure out why God allows some things such as this to happen….why would he give us a child and then take that child away in such a horrible way?  

Today they are having a memorial service for this little girl by the name of Maria Sue Chapman.  It was at 11 today and I haven’t been able to think of anything else but that.  I’m so praying for their family….I don’t know how the Chapman’s will get through this except by the mercy and grace of God Himself, but I do know that God can bring good through anything…no matter what!  So…that’s what I’m praying for. 

“Lord please bring glory through this little girl’s life……we don’t understand why and never will, but we trust you Lord no matter what…what an honor that you give us children Lord, but may we never take a day with them for granted…not even a minute.  We are not promised tomorrow with them…we have only today.  No promise has been made that we will die before our children…although that’s what normally happens, that is never a definite.  Help us see ways everyday that we can continously pour into our children’s lives, whether they are 2, or 20, or 50.  Our children are your children Lord…you have just let us have the honor and privilege of raising them at this time…..at this moment.  May we make every minute with them count!  Help us not allow the business of life shut out those extra wonderful moments with them.  Life passes so quickly Jesus…….may we treasure every second with our kids!  Thank you for putting your arms around the Chapman’s today, tomorrow, and the months and months ahead…..they need you to breathe for them during this time…..we love You Lord….we may not understand Your ways, but we trust You, we believe in You, we hold fast to You.  Amen.

Brain surgery has allowed me to see things so new…..and to take nothing for granted.  I pray that I will be the best mom I can be to my children, and every day it will be PRIORITY for me to show them Christ somehow, someway!  He is the most important thing that they need, that they’ll ever need…..what a GREAT responsibility we have…..what an honor we have to be parents to God’s children!  It doesn’t get any better than this!  

Yes!!!  I finally got to wash my hair!!!!  I know to some of you that might seem like no big deal, but for a girl who has not been able to wash her hair in over two weeks and which still had a lot of dried blood left in, it was a HUGE deal!!!!

Isn’t it funny how we take so many things for granted?  Why is it that God sometimes has to let something disappear for awhile before we as God’s children are truly thankful?!?  That’s how you could describe my shower experience…..definitely that something I won’t take for granted again!   To me it seems that we are so spoiled in America and from our lips a lot of time all we express is how much we lack….what we don’t have…..what we “need” in order to live life to its fullest.   I wonder if one day I will ever truly be able to understand what Paul meant when he said “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phil. 4:11-13. 

Thank God that He continues to work on me…..He’s not finished with me yet and for that I’m so very thankful!!!

Hey friends!  I finally get to say hello from the other side of this whole ordeal!!!!!  I’m soooo thankful that surgery is behind me!  I can’t even come close to expressing how good it feels!  And the fact that I feel Jesus has given me a second chance at life….wow, the things I dream about, the people I have a burden for, the things I want to be able to accomplish here on Earth…all those things I now see as realities….in God’s timing and in God’s way I believe those things will be fulfilled.  No more do I wonder…will this ever happen?  Or I’ll do this in a few years when I have time….  Or I can always tell that person about Jesus tomorrow…  nope, like I said before I see life so differently now.  I can only tell Christ thank you for allowing this to happen so I can see Him so much more clearly!  Our God is amazing!  

I will say that I don’t see life as my “comfort” anymore….I know that may sound weird, but I guess I mean that I see life for what it is now….it’s our training for our real life one day in Heaven.  I feel so much more a responsibility now to live life on purpose……please pray that I will always have this feeling…..I guess I just see it as what it is…it’s not about me…it’s all about God and His plan!  So….if you ever ask yourself…”who’s reaching out to my neighbors about Christ?” or “who’s going to get involved in that ministry that’s so close to my heart?” or “who’s told that family member about our incredible God?” and you don’t have an answer to your question then I would definitely think that you might be the very person God wants to use!!!!  We can say no to Him, but what joy what peace what excitement and adventure we’ll be missing out on.  Serving Christ….doing life with Him is the ONLY way for the best life we could ever have on this Earth! 

Thank you all for your many prayers…..again I have to say that I can’t express just how much I’ve appreciated every prayer….we are humbled by them and we have felt very loved through them.  Thank you for doing your part in this adventure that God’s put in our lives.  Honestly one of the most thrilling parts of this whole adventure has been watching the Body of Christ come together and carry us in so many ways.   It’s been humbling and we’ve had to swallow pride several times as we’ve admitted stuff about us that is not the first thing we want everyone to see.  I have realized though that we need to be transparent with each other….we need to be real…..we need to show others that we’re hurting at times, because if we don’t we are closing the opportunity for someone to be Jesus with skin on in our lives.  To be a Christian…to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ..it’s not about being perfect…why do so many of us try to pursue that?  It’s about seeking God in all areas above anything or anyone else and worshipping Him through life no matter the good or bad. 

Thanks for your continued prayers guys….recovery time is already proving to be stretching for me (although I’m so thankful that I get to go through recovery!!)  I can’t really do ANYTHING until four weeks after surgery and then after that I still have to wait another two weeks before I can drive and stuff like that.  So in the meantime I will try to enjoy my silver headband made of staples and continue to be so thankful that God brought me to the other side of this!!! 

How do I even start this?  How do I begin to express how thankful I am for my dear friends and family that have supported us through some really dark days?  How do I begin to express all the emotions that I have dealt with this week?   This post is definitely going to be all over the place, but that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now….I feel like I could come unglued at any moment as I realize that we leave for Atlanta tomorrow…..I have so dreaded Tuesday but at the same time I’m ready to get this behind me.  I will say though that today I keep thinking how amazing our God truly is….there’s no other way to put it.  I’m so thankful for Him…His grace, His mercy, His love, His compassion….and He’s shown us all of this through all of you.  Every encouraging word, prayer, hug, note, call….it has all been Jesus way of telling me He loves me.  Thank you all for being Jesus with skin on……He has used you all in a phenomenal way to minister to us during this time.

I told Eddie that life is going to be very different from this point on, and he completely agreed.  My mindset is so different even from what it was a month ago.  I feel like I have a new set of eyes to view things with…..the biggest thing is that life is not about me!!  It never was, but the more I understand that then I believe the better God can use me.  I want to live on purpose….I don’t want to waste one day!  Our time on this earth is soooo short!!  We have this time to impact our world and that is it!  We don’t get second chances at this thing called life, and we will answer for how we spent our time on this earth!  Whether we spent it pursuing money, people’s approval, whatever…..from this point on I want my life to be about pursuing Christ above all else!  In the past I’ve tried to do this, but now I see so many ways I can do it better.   Honestly as much as I don’t want to go through this surgery I have to admit that I am thankful that God has allowed us to go through this journey, because maybe it was the only way I would’ve begin to see  things so much more clearly. 

One last thing I want to share….whenever a person is facing major surgery they definitely think about what happens if it doesn’t go well….what happens if they don’t wake up.  Well I believe 100% I would go to Heaven if that happened even though again I truly believe I’m going to come out of this completely well.  But in thinking through this I have realized that there are many reasons I’m not ready to go to Heaven yet…three of those being my two kids and husband, and there are still so many lost people that I want to tell about Him, but there is another major reason and it is very humbling to admit, but I have made it a point to be real on this blog, so I’m going to be real on this.  The reason I don’t want to go to Heaven yet is because if I were to see Jesus now I know that I wouldn’t really recognize Him the way that I want to.  Honestly the lack of time I’ve spent in His word…in prayer…..how can I truly recognize my Lord if I’ve spent such little time getting to know Him in His word?  He gave us His word so we could know Him…know His heart….know what He’s passionate about.  I would be ashamed to go to Heaven now and have to look Him in the eye and realize that I could’ve known Him so much better if I would have gotten my eyes off the meaningless things that has such a way of sidetracking us and really truly pursued Him.  So that’s why life will be different from this point on….and I’m so excited about what’s ahead after this journey because of that one fact!

Of course we covet your prayers this week in so many ways…..as we say good-bye to our kids tomorrow morning.  How in the world am I going to do that????  As we wake up Tuesday morning and face what’s ahead……as the doctors put me to sleep and do the operation…….as many family and friends wait for the surgery to be over…..as I go through the six weeks of recovery.  I know I am going to be ok….but I still am very scared and don’t want to go down this road.  I have to remind myself though that God’s way is always, always, always best no matter what and so for that reason I’m going to hold on tight to His hand and put my trust in Him because He cares for me!  Please pray specifically that all of us at the hospital on Tuesday will feel God’s presence very strongly…..I’ve not felt that in the last few days like I have at other times, and more then anything that is my desire for this week!

I love all of you!  Talk to you soon on the other side of this!

Today went very well with Dr Barrow.  We were very impressed with not only Dr Barrow but his whole practice.  He sat down and explained things to us thoroughly and gave his recommendation of what needed to be done.  He said that I will need surgery and it will be the traditional brain surgery…well I hesitate to say traditional because technology has come so far even just in the last few years but basically I mean that they will have to make an incision on the head instead of going up through a vein in the neck or other part of the body.  One encouraging part of news that made me feel very good is that I won’t have to shave my head completely, only the part where they make the incision….it may seem somewhat silly but that was a big worry of mine, and I’m thankful that God cares about even the small things and He took care of that for me!

The surgery is this coming Tuesday, May 6.  I can’t believe it was just this past Monday that I felt nothing was happening and I thought the surgery was weeks if not months away and now just two days later we are looking at my surgery that is less then a week…..only God can do something like that!  He definitely makes the impossible happen!!  Eddie and I will go to Atlanta on Monday for pre-op stuff and then we report to the hospital at 6AM on Tuesday morning.  Dr Barrow said that if all goes well with no complications then my schedule of recovery looks like the following: the night after surgery will be spent in ICU, then moved to a private room for 2-3 more nights, and then go home and have 6 weeks recovery.  That is the best case scenario which of course we are praying for!!!

Wow….God is amazing….I can’t tell you how many recommendations we have had of Dr Barrow in just the last two days….it’s like after Monday everything came together including God showing us in a very obvious way that Dr Barrow was the one for us!  He doesn’t miss a step does He?!  Of course I now question why I ever doubted in the first place….I mean God has never, not once, ever let me down but I continually doubt!!!  That frustrates me so much!!!  I can somewhat put myself in Thomas’s place when he asked to see Jesus’ nail prints….I’m really no better.  Thank goodness God is so patient with His children….we are always a work in progress!!!

Ok prayer warriors….you are needed in a big way on this one….let’s just say I’m a little scared :)  I know God’s going to be there with me through this, but I’m still nervous…..I think the time that I’m the most nervous is right before they put me to sleep….not knowing exactly what things are going to be like when I wake up….and not knowing how the surgery is going to proceed, BUT that’s where faith comes in….believing that everything will go really well with no complications!  Thanks for ALL your thoughts and prayers…honestly every single one has been a gift to us and we can’t thank you all enough for your love!  Please pray for Eddie and the rest of our family through this because while I get to sleep through the surgery they have to sit and wait!  I think I have the easier job!

Today I feel like I hit an all-time low…..it’s funny because yesterday was an awesome day full of God’s presence and peace, and I felt so good….I should have realized that a day like that would tick Satan off.  I guess I should have been on guard ready for his attack.  But..I wasn’t and I feel like he definitely hit me down today.  We were supposed to find out about our infamous doctor’s appointment today…well actually we were supposed to find out days ago but that’s another story in itself.   Anyway I feel like we continue to hit dead ends at every corner.  It is extremely frustrating.  I was on the phone over an hour today but I still don’t feel like I got anywhere.  There was a bit of brief hope for me when I spoke with my neurosurgeon from Greenville and he said that he would refer me to Wake Forest.  In fact there’s a doctor there that so many people have recommended to us and after my neurosurgeon mentioned his name to me today I thought that this was maybe a sign of direction for us.  I was feeling pretty good until Eddie told me that Wake Forest is not in our insurance network.  I cried a lot after he told me that…the frustration, the anxiousness, the uncertainity, the scaredness seems to be all coming out at once.  I feel very beaten and bruised….very angry at God today…maybe frustrated is a better word.  I know He loves me…I know He cares about me….I know He has a plan for me….but even knowing all these things I still find myself very frustrated.  I just don’t understand what He’s doing and why we have to go through all this waiting.  The other thing that is on hold is our adoption of our little boy.  The adoption agency is waiting for me to get medically sound before they can proceed with next steps…….that’s another huge frustation.  Our hands are tied in this…it all seems to be completely out of our control.  I think God has us right where He wants us in this….I know He’s working in this I just can’t see Him or the evidence of it at the moment.  I think He’s teaching us to trust Him 100% and I guess I’m just not there yet.  My life verse has always been Prov 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thy own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy paths.”  Can I just say that doing what this verse says is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life?!?  I’m sure it will turn out to be the most rewarding as well, but in this dark moment it just seems impossible. 

Ok….well that was my day today….please, please, please pray that Satan will be defeated.  He is fighting so incredibly hard…..

Love you all….hope we’ll have better news in the days to come.